Unfortunately, the mental stress has been off the wall. As it gets closer to the date when the docs are pushing me to start chemo, I have more and more trepidation about it and have still not made my final decision. You see, I realize that it is a band aid and not a cure, so what I am trying to figure out is if I will be able to make the environment in my body healthy enough to prevent future cancer from spreading after lowering my immunity and being torn down by all these poisons. It makes no logical sense to me since I have been trying to do the reverse to create an environment where healthy cells win the battle against abnormal cells! Chemotherapy will go down in history as barbaric I am sure one day. It will certainly eradicate abnormal cells and many more beneficial cells causing potential damage to vital organs. It may cause heart damage, brain issues, nerve problems, leukemia, liver damage to name a few complications, and will definitely cause exhaustion, neuropathy, memory loss, hair loss, nausea liver toxicity. The questions I have are: How would I be able to eat and nourish my body? How would I be able to function as a mother of three? Will the physical damage be irreversible? And the most important question is: How would I be able to go into it with a positive attitude? Attitude is so important with every type of recovery. Because I have done so much research it is a double edged sword, and I would certainly be going into it with my eyes wide open.
People may ask what is the alternative? Well there are several. Anything done alternatively would need to be monitored to be sure I am aware of any changes in abnormal cell activity, so that would be key. Over the next couple of days, I will be revisiting some conflicting statistical data of chemo with my particular breast cancer type and mortality rates, survival rates, as well as meeting with both the Naturopath and the Chemo Doctor at Mass General to discuss these numbers which are quite conflicting. I will also be doing a bone scan and echocardiogram on Tuesday. Chemo is scheduled to start Wednesday.
The good news is I feel great right now physically and I am in no pain. When I look at nourishing solutions I feel empowered. When I consider chemo and radiation I feel helpless. So that is my dilemma, and I will need to make my decision very soon. It's funny when you are placed in this position, you see things so differently. You also consider if you are going to die, (which I do not plan to do anytime soon), what type of quality of life you would want to have the last few years and how you would want to live out that time? Would you want to spend those years with your children as happy memories and be able to be the person you always were? Would you rather a cancer eventually get to you or have complications from chemo, radiation, and drugs? Do you want to spend your time in hospitals or at home? Most importantly, you have to believe that your body is an amazing thing and that it naturally wants to live as you do in your core soul. You have to have faith that you can heal on all levels and it includes keeping stress to a minimum. Some articles I have read name stress as 85% of the problem with all disease because of the way it affects your adrenals, so if that is true I need to choose the path with less stress and find the joy and peace in the mist of this storm. Once again, I pray for clarity in this very important decision and hope God will guide me to the choice that is best for me.